[Rock music plays]
[Message chimes]
You're a generation of lazy.
You haven't done anything for yourself.
But I'm gonna teach you how to do...
Chelsea...
Chels.
[Message chimes]
What the fuck are you doing here?
Mom and dad are outta town.
So you get me.
I don't need a babysitter.
Whatever.
Get ready for school.
[Message chimes]
[Grunts]
[Hawaiian music plays]
Shaq...
This is the best vacation ever.
I can't believe you own this whole island.
You have to be the hottest,
most successful,
smart and funny guy I've ever met.
I'd do anything for you, Shaquille Horowitz.
And I mean anything.
[Distortion buzzes]
[Alarm rings]
[Man on TV] I'm here to save you
from yourself
now, in the comfort of your home,
you can have...
"The winner's win, the losers whine" seminar.
Leaders of men, leaders of countries,
have taken the dynamic, fantastic course.
"Winners win, losers whine."
They've changed the course of countries.
Winners win.
You're the man. No... [chuckles]
No, you're the man.
Is that chest hair? [Chuckles]
I think it might be.
I'm the only one in control.
I'm Wilford gates,
and I'm passionate about your success.
Gates? [Chuckles]
You wanna give me the scholarship?
[Chuckles]
[Man] Shaq.
Uh, hey dad.
Hey. What...
What's going on with you?
Nothing.
Yeah, well, you look like
"honey, I shrunk my accountant."
Look dad, in order to be successful
one has to dress successful, so.
That depends on your definition of success, really.
Well, speaking of that, how's the job hunt going?
Oh, it's going... It's going...
Cause, you know, just got a couple of leads, but-...
I mean they're all- you know, they're all
multi-national corporations and things...
You know... It's-— I can't-
that's not-
you know... I mean seriously,
where are all the locally-owned companies?
You know, like, family business, you know.
Where are those things?
I can't... I can't...
I mean, you know me,
when I'm... when I'm looking at the...
And I see the- I can't...
So I'm just... I'm gonna keep looking.
Just keep- you know, like...
That's a good plan.
Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good, pretty good.
I should go.
Yeah'? Oh yeah, you got school.
- Good... cool. Go. - See you later, dad.
Shaq, thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.
[Wilford gates tape] You can't be running around wearing skinny jeans,
having a haircut like a bad dyke from the '80s,
you have to embrace change.
You have to embrace the new you.
Otherwise you're gonna end up living under a bridge.
Do you wanna end up living under a bridge?
'Cause that's where you're headed,
unless you're ready to be successful.
You can't become successful by hating successful people. You have to embrace them.
You have to go out there, and you have to get what you want.
[ford's voice warps] You have to live your life like you're...
{Sighs} - [Gasps]
[Laughs] Butt-faced again.
[Laughs] Woo-hoo.
Christ, you get a government job I don't know about?
Uh, no, I have a meeting with brew today.
Oh, yeah? Where at?
Cock in the box? Cock fillet?
Kentucky fried cock?
McCockles? McCockles, really?
Oh, I should've stopped at cock in the box, huh?
Yeah. You need to be nice to him.
Dude, the guy's a cock gobbling tool
who thinks he's better than everyone else.
- No, he's successful. - Yeah, at gobbling cock.
Seriously, don't fuck this up for me. Please? I really want this scholarship.
I thought you were going to community college with me and Chelsea.
Well, I was, but that was before
I could afford to go to SMU.
With the scholarship, I can afford to go to SMU.
Dude, I can afford it, but you don't see me
running off to some fancy college
to get with a bunch of pod people
and leaving my friends.
You have a 1.75 GPA,
you're lucky to get into community.
I don't test well. And you know that.
Did you at least remember to get the costume?
Yeah, it's in the back. You?
Yeah. What's yours?
Oh, man. It's a pussy magnet.
Wait till you see.
[Guitar plays]
What the fuck?
Hey, I picked up a shift this morning.
Can you take Sage to school?
Yeah, no problem.
Okay, don't let your retard friend say anything
that's gonna scar her, all right?
She's only 11.
They're not retarded. Shell be fine.
Who's retarded?
Hey, sweetie, you need to ride with Chelsea
to school today, okay?
[Sage] What?
I don't wanna ride her and her freak friends.
You don't have a choice, babe.
I can ride the bus.
Not in this neighborhood, you can't.
We learned about self-defense in gym class.
Testicles, throat, eyes.
You're riding with your sister today. Deal with it.
But sideshow smells like spoiled lunch meat.
Hey, this should go without saying,
no smoking weed with her in the car.
Weed? What is this weed you speak of?
Seriously, a joint'?
It's like 8:30 in the morning.
All right, first of all,
it's medical.
I have anxiety issues and you know that.
Whatever, I just don't wanna smell
like that stuff all day.
Hey, is that Van Horn?
[Shaq] Yeah, I think so.
What's up fellas?
[Sideshow and Shaq] Whats up?
You bussing it'?
Yeah, uh, my car is in the shop
till this afternoon. It's a long story.
Fucking stop sign was behind a tree.
Nice mouth. What's up with the Amber alert?
That's chin chin, she's my girlfriend.
Chin chin, say hi to my friends.
Nice. Where'd you pick her up, a "Harry Potter" book signing?
[Laughs]
Man, fuck you, sha-queer.
She's hot as fuck, man.
And you're just jealous 'cause the last time you felt vagina.
You were being born out of your mother.
And that's disgusting.
Nice car.
- Thanks. - Can I drive it?
- Uh, sure. - No, no, you can't.
- What's the big deal? - Megan's law.
We should really git going.
Okay, can we at least get a ride? You got room.
Seriously?
Fuck you, sha-queer. Fuck you, too.
[Car engine sputters]
[Shaq] He's a douche bag.
Dude, whoa. Be cool.
I won't be cool, he's a douche bag.
- Yeah, but you know he's... - He's what?
- He's got the... - What?
He's kinda... He's handicapped.
What? So he gets a free pass because of that?
That guy walks around like he's king,
but he's really just a douche bag.
And by the way, they don't say, "handicapped,"
they say, "physically challenged."
Are you sure? I think handicapped is okay.
No, it's not okay.
- Th ey still call it "handicap parking." - No, they don't.
What up. Peeps?
[Chelsea] Shaq, can you check out my printer?
Uh, sure.
You told Chels to get Shaq out of the way
so we could be alone, didn't you?
You know guys hit their sexual peak at '18, right?
I'm sitting right here, moron.
I can understand every skeezy word you say.
Sweetie, you understand
many, many more words than Marion.
Marion?
It's sideshow.
The name's sideshow.
- Hey... - Hey.
You. [Chuckles]
Uh...
Scene of the crime.
- Yeah... - That's nice.
Oh, my god. [Laughs]
I was, uh-I was just messing around earlier.
Yeah...
Uh, so the printer you wanted me to look at.
Yeah, I don't actually have a printer.
No, you don't.
Jesus, Shaq. It's me.
I know.
I'm Shaq. Nice to meet you.
Are you gonna be a douche bag?
No.
Just...
So what do you wanna do?
I mean, we obviously had a connection
the other night.
Right?
This is a good brand.
Um...
Chels, you're... You're like my best friend,
and I wouldn't wanna ruin that.
So...
Fantastic.
Did you get that off of like some big book
of cliche things assholes say?
Or... you just came up with that.
Dick.
Chels, Shaq. Let's go.
Oops. I'm sorry.
That's okay.
You know I'm so hot for you.
I've been wanting to do this for a long time.
[Rock music plays]
Ahh! What are you doing with my underwear. You freak?
No, I thought it was Rebecca's. It's not what it looks like.
- Chelsea! - I thought it was Rebecca's!
- I thought-hey! No! - Testicles, throat, eyes!
[Groans]
I didn't know they were hers,
what 11-year-old wears a thong?
It's the 21 st century, pervert.
I'm not a pervert.
That's some pretty sick shit,
even for you, sideshow.
I thought they were Rebecca's.
He was sniffing them.
- Oh! - I was not.
I'm burning them, you freak.
Okay, let me off here. I don't wanna be seen
getting out a car with two known pervs.
Two? No, no, no. I'm not-he's the perv.
Tell it to Chris Hansen, you freaks.
So, uh, how much for all this?
$5.50.
Hey, you...
You wanna see a picture of my little girl?
[Chuckles] Sure...
Ah, she's pretty.
Yeah, she's a child, you freak.
She's into rainbows and unicorns, not your penis.
Lighten up kid, I'm just fuckin' with you.
[Chuckles] Unicorns...
Bag it up.
I got my eye on you.
[Bell rings]
So you're going for the gate scholarship, huh?
Yeah. I was gonna tell you this morning,
but it was kinda awkward between us, so I didn't really know...
All of a sudden, he's too good for community college.
I didn't say that. I didn't... I didn't say that.
And that's why he's going to Bret-ps little winter break costume party.
Wait, your cousin Brei I?
You're going to his party?
But you hate him. He hates you.
I wouldn't really say "hate" is the word.
You know, what? Gates is gonna be there,
and it's my chance to impress him.
Hey, retard. You parked in a handicapped spot.
See? I told you it was handicap.
Oh, you know, I didn't see it, man. Wow.
Yeah, whatever, sha-queer.
I should kick your fucking ass right now.
Hey, hobbit.
You calling me cripple?
You're all talk.
I didn't say anything.
Yeah, you did.
That's why I'm getting the gates scholarship
and you're gonna be homeless
giving hand jobs under a bridge.
Now, move your car.
Well... it is illegally parked.
Move it.
Dick beater.
[Car horn honks]
Dude, I forgot my gym shorts again.
- Coach. - Shit.
So are we cool?
Because this morning was kinda awkward.
Yeah... Totally.
BFF.
Dude, what'd you do to my dad's pants?
Shorts, dude. Check it out.
No, they're my dad's pants.
I know, you said that.
[Sighs]
Why didn't you just cut your own pants?
Dude, I'm not cutting these,
they're my favorite jeans.
I can't cut these.
Wow, Chels. Those two have done a lot of growing up.
Okay, but for the record, I said that Shaq had done a lot of growing up.
Aww. Have we stepped into Crushville?
[Giggles]
Who are you texting?
Oh, just a guy.
You made out with Shaquille, didn't you?
- Wait, what guy? - Just someone.
[Chuckles] Oh, you got Shaq-adelic, didn't you'?
Whatever. It was probably a mistake, anyway.
So what's his name'?
Um...
- God, for fuck's sake. Give me that. - Stop!
Oh! [Laughs]
- Stop it! - He's just so hot.
That is so. So, so not cool.
Why are you keeping this guy a secret?
It sounds kinda hot.
He is, he's really sweet.
So what's his name'?
Uh, his names Hayden.
Hayden? We don't know any Haydens, do we?
How long have you been dating?
- Well... - Well... what?
How long?
Well, we like, text everyday.
Please tell me that you've like,
actually seen this guy in person, right?
We send pics too.
[Scoffs] Jesus...
You know, what? You two have set our gender back like 20 years
with your little pseudo relationships.
Awesome.
I sent him a video once too.
Okay, wow. Like you've never met him in person?
Shut up, you made out with Shaq.
Word.
That's why I think we should open up
our medical marijuana retail store.
What'? Think about it.
I know about weed,
and you know about business stuff.
[School bell rings]
But coach NUTHERCUT, isn't he like 30?
Yeah, well, she is a cheerleader.
I guess the teenage cock isn't doing it for her.
Speaking of which, I heard that she is deformed
- in that ar ea. - What?
Sideshow told me that Eric told him
that my cousin, Dane...
Dane, from like dead hooker surprise?
That's the one. So anyway,
he was like making out with her
and he says that she has oversized...
An oversized what?
You know...
{Laughs} - Eww!
[Laughs]
But apparently the hose monkey
does have a talent for fellatio though.
Oh, I totally respect her now.
Well, what makes her blow-jobs so great?
I don't know, maybe the E.T. Bitch
has two heads like "alien."
[Laughing]
[Sideshow] Oh, my god.
I would love to make a cheerleader Popsicle
out of that.
How many licks would it take
to get to the center of a cheerleader?
Look at that ass.
That ls an... Oh... [moans]
Shaquille! Marion!
Why aren't you two participating?
- I'm anemic, a little weak. - I have asthma.
Son, what in the hell are you wearing?
Shorts, sir.
You look like goddamn huckleberry hound.
And those aren't shorts.
Actually, shorts are just pants
that you chop off at the leg, coach.
Precision, granted, but I mean, It's... - Shaquille!
Shut up!
Son, you're named after a goddamn sports legend.
And look at you.
Why can't you two be more like Van Horn over here?
He's dragging himself around.
That silly walk.
Arm all funky.
But you know what?
He doesn't let it stop him from trying to succeed.
And you two...
Fake asthma.
Anemia. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Goddamn ashamed.
Hit the track.
Now!
So, do you guys like, think that guys even care that much about blow-jobs?
You're fucking kidding me, right?
Yeah, I'm kidding.
Wait, you've never done it, have you?
- Okay, well, I have sort of. - Sort of?
I think you'd know if you had a dick in your mouth.
[Laughs]
Okay, well, I've never done it.
So I just want to be good at it
whenever it does happen to me.
Okay.
[Sighs] Come here.
What?
Come on, don't be a prude.
This is purely educational.
Come on.
[Laughing]
So dance your tongue around the tip.
Like a dainty ballerina.
[Mumbles] Like this?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Now put your lips around your teeth like this.
And that way you don't bite it.
- Okay? - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Now, put it in your mouth,
and go as far down the shaft as you possibly can.
[Laughs]
[Bridget] You like the smell of that? Yeah?
- It's like sweaty socks and bleach and fish and... - Aww!
[Moans]
Oh, like, this isn't something
that you don't do every day?
Whatever.
You freaks are the ones in here
making out with a piece of fruit.
Don't think this won't get around.
You're a joke.
Everybody already thinks your air band...
Is pathetic as fuck.
- Hey, we're not just an air band- - that... hold on.
You know, what? You have fucked the majority of the athletic department
and you're currently working your way
through third string junior varsity.
You skanks just wish you could get laid.
Fact is, nobody wants anything to do
with a dyke air band.
Look, I know you can't help what happened
between you and your stepfather
when you were like 13, Lolita,
but for the love of baby Jesus,
keep the whisker biscuit in your pants.
Yeah, I mean, some people are saying
that your oversized lips
are scaring some guys for life.
[Feedback screeches]
[Man on pa system] Attention students.
I'd like to personally announce
that we are dedicating
the east side of the cafeteria
to memory of Jose Jimenez.
Jose was a great student,
and a great friend to many.
And although I had hardly knew he was,
I'm sure he hung out with the other Mexican-American students at our school.
Where do you think you're going?
And where are your spirit ribbons?
Listen up, you ungrateful freak.
You think it's easy
trotting around in this tiny uniform
in a school filled with geeks, freaks,
and future sex offenders?
Now...
You're gonna put on a spirit ribbon,
and act like you care about the game.
[Bangs]
[Engine sputters]
[Tire squealing]
- Hey. - Aren't you supposed to be in school?
It's lunch time.
Hey, Brett.
Oh. If it isn't Shaquille.
Shaquille o'white guy.
Yeah, that's awesome.
So do you guys like call each other up every morning
and decide what to wear?
Listen, Shrek.
If I wanted to hear you speak,
I would've acknowledged your presence.
Side, why don't you go order something.
Let the men talk.
[Scoffs] Whatever.
Why don't you try a mouthful of your uncle's cock?
I hear it's a childhood favorite of yours.
I just want to thank you for the opportunity...
- You know, I'm honored... - Save it.
I'm doing it as a favor for my dad.
I still think you're a fucking outcast.
You're not one of us.
Look, I've changed, okay'?
I'm-I'm going to evolve and I've decided
that I wanna be successful like you.
Now, hold on. Before you get all emotional,
and earnest on us, Dr. Phil.
I should tell you.
The party's been cancelled.
No... no, no, no.
Why?
Well, if you must know.
My parents are fumigating the house
for termites this weekend.
So, no location, no party.
No party, no Brett.
No Brett, no gates.
Sorry.
Wait, um, we could have it at my house.
Your house is shithole.
It is a shithole. Umm...
Sideshow's... we could have it at sideshow's-
sideshow has a fantastic house
and his parents are going to be gone for the weekend.
- No shit? - No shit.
Are you sure you can pull off a college party?
I don't want a bunch of warcraft, halo playin' virgins,
standing around eating chips and dip
scaring off all the symmetrical tail.
- You understand? - I do. I do.
And you don't have anything to worry about
because I have thrown
quite a few badass parties.
[Dance music playing]
- No high school kids. - None.
None. No worries. I got it.
Well, you should get to work
run along then.
I'm gonna go. Gonna go.
I would totally rub your feet.
In fact, put 'em up here.
Never think about my feet, okay?
Hey, let's go.
- I'm eating pie. - Forget about your pie.
Shaq. Hi...
Rebecca... It was good.
Let's go.
Oh, hey, can we stop by my friend's house?
I gotta pick something up real quick.
What friend?
Um... Just a guy.
Wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no...
Dude, dude, calm down.
- Don't be such a "Debbie downer" - I'm a "Debbie downer"
because I don't want a drug deal on my record.
I can't get into college with a drug deal on my record.
A drug deal'? What are you talking about?
Drug deal? This isn't "Miami vice."
I'm not going to buy ten keys of coke from Tony Montana,
all right?
This is rover. He's cool.
Sonny Crockett is "Miami vice,"
Tony Montana is "Scarface."
You really should know this
- you're a dude. - Okay, whatever. The point is,
I'm going in there to buy some weed, okay?
Personal use, saw it on the news,
it's perfectly legal. Medical marijuana.
Oh yeah, first off, you're an idiot.
Second off, you need a prescription for medical marijuana,
which you don't have, and even if you did,
you can't buy it from some guy named rover,
you need to buy it from a licensed facility.
Okay, well, it's almost legal.
No, it's not.
Okay, and hey, don't be asking
any of your weird fucking questions.
What weird questions?
You're like MONTEL Williams when you meet somebody.
Just sit there and shut up.
No, no, I make small talk.
I'm good at it.
[Sideshow] Okay, well, no. People think it's weird.
Just don't do it.
[Music playing]
Hey, rover!
What the fuck?
Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck is he?
Hey, rover. What's going on, man?
Fuck how it's going, and what's going on.
Who the fuck is this little motherfucker.
Dude, don't worry, he's a friend of mine, he's cool.
I'll decide who's fucking cool,
now who the fuck are you?
- I said, he's a friend of mine. - Shh.
- His names Shaq. - Did I ask you?
I asked him. What the fuck is wrong with him?
He can't talk? You can't talk?
You some kind of mute or something?
Or are you an undercover cop?
Huh?
Observe and report, is that your thing?
I'm not a cop. He told me not to talk.
- He... - What?
Why would you tell him not to fucking talk?
It's no big deal, man, I just didn't want him to say
anything to freak you out.
What is this guy liable to say
that's gonna be fucking freaking me out, man?
I'll tell you what.
He's freaking me out right now,
and he ain't saying shit.
Creepy-eyed motherfucker.
I got my eye on you, columbine.
All right.
Come on.
I told you, it's like a nest for retards, this house.
Huh?
- Let's party! - All right.
- Let's do it! - Yes.
[Sniffs]
This is some top-level shit.
[Laughs]
None of that ghetto-ass dirt weed
them JULIOS be trying to push.
This...
Is premium velvet.
More THC per ounce
than any other weed on the motherfucking planet.
Now...
I call it the equalizer
because I don't care who you are.
Be it the janitor,
or the president of the United States
of the motherfucking world.
[Chuckles]
When you smoke this shit,
you're all gonna be on the same level.
Laying on the floor,
staring at the ceilings.
Not thinking about a motherfucking thing.
Hey! [Laughs]
Shit. This weed might make
your ol' creepy eyes over here even cooler.
Why do you keep saying that?
I'm not creepy.
[Whispers] I'm not.
Oh, you're creepy, all right.
But hey, I mean, I'm cool with it.
I don't cast dispersions.
Now, make no mistake, about it,
you're a creepy little fucker.
[Chuckles]
This is $250.
Are you crazy? We can't throw a party at my parents' house,
- they'll kill me. - Come on, we're lucky.
You know, 'cause they're gonna be out of town, they'll never know.
Dude, you don't know how to throw
a high school party, let alone a college party.
What, are you kidding? You remember the halo pajama jammy jam? It was legendary.
These are college people,
they're not like normal people, all right?
College girls have expectations.
That's why I have this.
- What's this? - It's a cheat sheet.
A guide, if you will, to throwing a college party.
It's blank.
Okay, I haven't had time to fill it in yet.
So what are some things we're gonna need to throw a college party?
- I don't know. - Aw, come on, man. Think about this.
Come on, get-
we've seen a lot of these movies
about you know, parties, college chicks.
Like what... what do they have in those,
that we don't have that we need to put into this?
Beer. Kegs of beer.
Kegs of beer.
See, it's easy.
Good- kegs of beer... yes!
[School bell rings]
Shaquille Horowitz, we need to talk.
- I hear you're th rowing a party. - [Mumbles]
I know you're throwing a party and I wanna go.
I have to go. I'm popular. Got it?
I can make it worth your while.
Or I can make it a nightmare.
Your call, loser.
See you tonight, fellas.
So, do you think I wouldn't ask you again, slutster?
Shaq?
There's not really anything to tell.
Okay, lie.
Hey, did you guys know that sideshows having a costume party tonight?
- Sideshow's having a party? - Yeah.
Wait, our sideshow'?
Like the Shrek-looking blockhead?
Yeah, that's what Hayden says.
That's can't be right.
[Sideshow] 'Sup ladies.
Hey, Chelsea.
So what's this I hear about a party'?
Huh? What?
How does everybody know about that?
So it's true?
Uh, yeah.
Um, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Okay. What did you want to ask me?
Uh... this is kinda awkward 'cause of this morning.
And all but um, I was gonna ask you
if maybe you'd, um...
Yes! Yes, of course I will.
Wow. Wow!
Gee, this is great.
I actually didn't know how I was gonna get a keg.
I remember that you and your sister...
You have your sisters ID.
I thought you were gonna say no.
Yeah, of course. You can't have a party without a keg.
Right?
I know. You can't.
You are so cool.
Yeah, Chelsea, I mean...
You are so cool!
So let us go forth and get a keg.
- Yeah? - Let's.
You, me...
[Sighs] So, what are gonna be for the party tonight?
I don't know.
I'm thinking about being a slutty German barmaid.
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ we wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year ♪
[bell rings]
♪ With tidings we bring... ♪
- What up, my Rasta brotha? - I'm not your brother.
And don't be giving me that island Rasta bullshit, white boy.
Where's the bathroom'?
It's for employees only.
So buy something or leave.
- Hello. - What do you want?
I would like to purchase this beef stick,
this energy shot...
I'm working the graveyard shift.
Ah, this... What is this?
Lemon, lime. Delicious.
Uh, fried pie...
This adorable cupcake, and...
And a keg of beer.
Not-not- not for me.
It's for my husband.
It's his turn to bring the beer for the union...
Meeting.
Uh, yeah. The union.
Uh, local steelworker 896.
Uh, got a lot of meetings.
Lot of negotiations, big vote coming up.
Yeah...
You know, there's talk of strike.
- Yeah... - You know, uh...
Jimmy Hoffa's actually talking
about making big changes,
but I don't think it's gonna set well with the mob-
you know, honey, we shouldn't-
we shouldn't bore this poor gentleman
with your boring union talk.
- Okay. - Yeah.
It'll be $63.50.
Great, you wanna get this one...
Honey?
- I do. - Sweetie, sweetie bear.
With my wallet.
- And the money. - Yeah.
- For the keg of beer we are purchasing. - Yep.
[Phone ringing]
[Voice on phone] At the tone, please record your message.
- [Beeps] - Hey cock wizard, it's Brett again.
You remember me, right?
The head of the scholarship committee.
Yeah, you know, where your whole futures riding on?
Yeah. Yeah, me again. Don't fuck it up.
So, uh, I think we made a pretty good team in there.
Well, I know three very hot chicks
that are going to a wicked costume party.
Yeah... Um, about that.
What about that'?
Well, it's not really my party per Se. So...
Yeah, whatever, dickwad. We're coming.
Yeah, I'm gonna be a slutty German barmaid.
Dude, I gotta piss.
Now?
Classy...
[Police radio buzzes]
[Chattering on police radio]
Well, you see,
it's a funny thing.
I have all six ID's,
but there only seems to be five of you.
Now why do you suppose that would be?
Perhaps, because the only ID
belonging to anyone over 21 years of age
isn't here.
We're really sorry.
Shut your mouth, Mr. Manson.
Don't think I'm not onto your little cult.
You think you're gonna have a crime spree
in my neighborhood and get away with it?
- Crime spree'? - Well, let's see...
Well, we got one act of indecent exposure,
coupled with vandalism.
And since Mr. Motomol said you referred to him as an island brother.
Which I can only surmise
is a slur against his ethnicity,
that makes it a hate crime.
One count of fraud,
one count of presenting a false ID
in an attempt to commit a crime.
Various vehicle violations that I'm sure
by the looks of that heap.
As well as the Mann act for you, Mr. Manson.
Mann act?
Get your hands on your head.
I'm right behind you, boy.
I got my hand on my gun.
The Mann act.
Whoever knowingly transports any woman or girl
for the purpose of debauchery,
or any other immoral purpose.
I hope you hadn't had anything planned
for the next 25 years.
- Hey, dad. - Oh, hey, baby.
How are you?
[Van Horn] What did these guys do?
Well, they tried to buy beer.
The fat one exposed himself.
Hey, look with your head- hey, look ahead!
[Whispers] He's a little smurf.
[Chattering on police radio]
Well, Van Horn says your good people.
So I'm gonna cut you a break.
But I have to confiscate the beer though.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
You know, you should try to be more like Van Horn over there.
He's a goddamn inspiration.
Hey, I just wanna say thanks for helping us with the cop back there.
Fuck you, man.
I did it for the party.
[Scoffs] I still think you're a faggot.
[Car rumbles]
[Car squeaking]
[Car brakes squeal]
- Can you believe... -i can't believe we're not in jail right now.
Or we didn't have a serious accident with a nightstick.
- [Chelsea laughs] {Musical ringtone plays]
Hold it, one second.
Um, hey, brew.
[Whispers] It's Brett'.
Uh...
Hey, sticky buns. Yeah...
Hey, you got a band lined up. Right?
Of course I have a band lined up for the party.
Mm, I hope so.
I hate to see that scholarship get taken away.
Okay. Um...
All right, see you tonight, bud.
Uh, deuces to you, as well.
Okay... Oh, he hung up.
I know a great band.
Oh, do you?
The only band you need to know
is the Brei I penis band, okay?
Um...
Chelsea, I have a really huge favor to ask you.
Okay, dude, I forgive for everything.
Of course the bitchin' daisies will play
for your party tonight. I love you.
I mean... Like-i...
The thing is, I love your band...
The bitchin' daisies are awesome.
But...
Brett really wants Dane's band to play.
So...
Oh...
Yeah...
You know, we're not really ready to play a gig yet, anyway.
I was just... I was just trying to help you out.
You were...
Dane! Dead hooker surprise.
Dane. Yeah.
You know, I don't know that they would play a house party.
I was thinking that
but I figured since you're his cousin.
You'd talk to him. Talk him into it.
Sure.
I could do that.
It would mean a lot to me.
No problem,
I mean that's what friends are for, right?
Well... wow. Yes.
Um, you're the best. You know that.
And um, you know, I'm like your band's biggest fan.
- I think so. - Really?
Cool, 'cause I'm pretty sure you've never like heard us play.
Funny how that worked out.
Okay. All right.
Chelsea, this is your sister.
We need to talk.
[Guitar plays]
[Rock band plays]
Sorry, folks, I don't handle novelty acts.
Uh, what'?
The whole eclectic nerd thing has passed
kids want mopey, sad, vampire, "twilight" stuff.
I- were not actually in a band.
We're here about a band.
Oh, really? Well, I like the sound of that.
What's it for?
A huge party. Tons of hot college chicks.
Yeah? Yeah? What band are you looking for?
Dead hooker surprise.
Ahh.
DHS. A good choice.
And one of my top acts.
No way they're doing the party though.
They're way too big for that.
And besides, they're recording an album, so...
No live performances.
Ahem, um, I didn't wanna actually say this but...
She's the cousin of the bass player.
Hey, everyone is someones cousin. Okay. Skippy?
And bass players are temporary at best.
Hardly part of the band at all.
[Clicks tongue]
Now perhaps you'd prefer one of my other bands.
How about pants on to the beast?
Uh, baby bat-fer, nigga please, dead bed, Lance Boyle,
and one of my personal favorites,
ass gasket.
Well, we really need dead hooker surprise.
We kinda promised that we could get them.
[Slurps]
Ah! That was really stupid, wasn't it?
Dumb.
- Hey, Chelsea. - Dane.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Hey, Dane, how's it going?
Hey, I love that new sound you come up with, man.
Great stuff.
I haven't seen you forever.
How are Sage and Rebecca?
They're great. Were great.
- Becca still keeping you in line? - Trying.
Nice. Hey, anything you need, just let me know.
Well, actually, that's why were here.
I was kinda hoping you guys
could play a party for me, tonight.
[Laughs] Crazy, huh?
I told them you're way too big for that sort of nonsense.
It's really important,
it would help me out of a major bind.
- Tonight? - Yeah, sorry it's such short notice.
Really.
You know what? We were supposed to do rehearsal.
But I'll just tell the other guys we have a gig.
Really? Thank you, that is so awesome.
[Whispers] Sow of a bitch.
Hey, I heard the lambda omegas
have bikini models in these baby pools full of whipped cream.
Lambda omegas are gay.
Now that's just what I'm talking about
you know why they're gay?
Why?
'Cause they have no originality.
We're gonna use...
Jell-o.
Jell-o?
Yeah. Jell-o.
He's got brains.
That's gross.
Did I tell you to stop?
I...
I really owe you one.
Yeah, you do.
- I'm gonna go. - I'm gonna go.
Hey, sha-queer. Yeah, it's Brei l.
Word is you're fucking up, okay?
Get the beer, stop fucking around.
I don't wanna have to tell gates
that you're bitch ass can't fucking man up and get the beer.
So call me back with some good news, all right'?
Is it supposed to be this soft?
Fuck the Diaz brothers, I'll bury...
What the fuck? What are you two doing here?
You know this is my relaxation time.
I know, sorry to bother you.
But this is really important.
How could you bring him here again?
You know he creeps me out.
We're not here to buy drugs.
So...
Drugs? [Laughs]
Why would you even say that?
[Laughing continues]
That's it. Lose your clothes.
If you're wearing a wire, I swear to god-
no no no no no, I'm not.
We're just here about a beer keg.
We would like some beer keg.
- Kegs of beer? - Yeah.
- For what? - Party we're throwing
what kind of party?
Dude, a badass party.
Yes.
There gonna be girls there?
College girls.
Coeds, bro.
Will you come look at my ass.
I think this thong is giving me a rash.
Or like... I don't...
Baby, can you not see that I'm trying to do business over here.
You know, I might be allergic to your dick.
[Whispers] Just say it.
Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
I'll take care of that.
You hear that?
Oh no, I don't hear anything.
Helicopters, man. You don't hear that?
I don't hear any-
fucking feds.
Fuck!
They use those silent military helicopters now.
But I can hear them.
You guys gotta go.
- Yeah, we should go. - Okay.
Get them outta here.
Okay, okay, okay. I'm going, I'm going.
[Whispers] Shit.
Okay, okay. Okay.
Uh, rover?
He's kind of a lunatic.
Yeah, but he's buying us beer though.
We'll see.
You can't be serious.
Oh, what's... What's this?
What is that? It looks like a fucking dress.
Dude, it's a slip.
It's Freudian slip.
I've got the terms, the ego, libido,
some big word... It's smart.
Oh...
I don't get it.
Um, smart people will get it.
College people.
So you won't have to worry about it.
Really, though? A priest?
I mean, who wants to party with a priest.
What?
Catholic school girls.
[Music plays]
[Shaq] Strip club, really? You took me to a strip club?
What, are we gonna find a girl willing
to jell-o wrestle at the mall?
I was hoping that we would.
- I'm... okay, I'm starting to panic. - Oh, my...
All right, calm down. Calm down.
We just need to pick up one of these girls. All right?
Where they... oh, that one is perfect, right there.
- Right there? - Yes.
- That's a cop. - What?
That is a cop. I will not do time for a stripper.
You know how I feel about time.
I couldn't even get through the first season of "OZ."
- Okay. - I will not be Beecher.
Get out of the car.
It's like crazy.
[Shaq] Hi. Excuse me, miss.
What the fuck do you want, huh?
Uh... I was just wondering...
Are you an employee of this establishment?
Are you asking if I'm a stripper?
Are you'?
I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?
Ahem, look, little freaky boy,
I'm not gonna blow you and your priest friend here,
okay'? Why don't you run along, okay?
- That's not... - No, no.
We were just wondering, if maybe you know...
- You and... - hey, what the fuck, man, ls some on here?
Nothing, man, is...
Were you going to blow these guys?
- [Shaq] No... no, no, no. Santos, por favor.
Don't start, okay? Don't start your shit! Huh?
Are these your regulars, huh?
Is this the guy you've been texting?
- No, no texting. - No, no. No...
- We don't text. - What if it is, huh?
I can text whoever I want, whenever I want, huh'?
- Oh, really? - We are th rough, Santos. We're through!
Fucking cut this guy!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dude, guys. Hey, guys! - Hey... hey...
- Dude, wait! Relax, relax! - Santos, you're not gonna cut anybody, okay?
- Why don't you put it away? - We don't want any trouble, man.
Yous got trouble, boy!
You think I'm going to let you sex text her
with your sex texting fingers, motherfucker?
I am not your woman anymore, okay?
I am not your woman.
What do you mean?
Of course you are!
Ugh! You really are an idiot! God-
- where the fuck do you think you're going? - Let go of me!
- Hey hey hey! - Let go of me! Lit go of me!
- If yous fucking touch me, asshole... -Oh.
Santa Maria PURISIMA, swear to you!
- Hey, calm down. - I'll fucking cut you!
[Screaming]
[Music plays]
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Huh?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Maria, please!
- I wouldn't touch you anyway... - Oh, really? Oh, really?
You know, what'? I fucked them both!
Huh? What are you gonna about that.
[Santos screaming]
It's fucking over!
Did you?
Shit!
Fuck you!
[Screaming] It's over, motherfucker!
- [Glass shatters] - [All scream]
[Tire squeal]
Fuck!
[Music continues]
Maria!
Come here!
[Band plays]
[Electrical crackling]
You know, what? Screw those idiots.
We're way better than their Shitty party.
Better than dead hooker surprise?
Uh, yeah. They're has-beens.
Yeah, aren't they like 30?
Has-beens, huh?
Yeah, look, we ladies are the hot new things.
And we don't play any lame poser parties.
And that party represents everything that we hate.
Yeah, like I wanna see Shaq kissing Brett's ass all night?
Wait. We're still going to the party, right?
Chelsea's not going to any parties.
What? Did you not think
I'd hear about your run-in with the law'?
It was not a big deal. Really.
Trying to buy beer in the middle of the day, with a stolen ID?
Sounds like a substance abuse problem to me.
A substance abuse problem?
Seriously?
It was just beer.
It was a whole keg.
Some of us can handle a couple of drinks.
You know, what?
I'm not having this conversations with you.
- You're grounded. - What?
No, you can't do that.
Dad left me in charge.
Since when does dad give a shit
about what any of us do?
You want me to call him?
'Cause I can.
Or you can cell him.
You want to'? I'm sure he'd love
to have this business trip interrupted
and hear all about your crime spree.
Want to?
No'?
Didn't think so.
So does this mean
we're not going to the party tonight?
Oh, no. We're going to the party.
Come on, Bridget. Let's get some cute costumes.
[Partygoers cheering]
We are so getting laid tonight.
Hey, this is a college party.
We gotta show some maturity.
I love your band, it rocks!
Oh, yeah. Yeah!
My dick is so heavy right now.
[Music plays]
[Growls] Look at this!
Oh!
[Music continues]
- Hello. - [Toy gun rattles]
- How are you doing? - Yes, okay.
[Groans]
Are you okay?
No! I suck at everything.
You were like "miss everything" in high school.
I know, right?
I was like a celebrity in high school.
In college it's like I don't even matter.
It's like people treat me like I'm a regular person.
You were-are like, the hottest girl
that ever went to our school.
I masturbate to your yearbook picture every day.
Really?
In fact, every guy I know wanted to tap that ass.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Do I look fat?
What?
My mom says everyone gains weight their freshman year.
That's crazy. You look awesome.
Why do all the guys say I'm crazy?
[Partygoers chattering]
Hey! Huh? The party's looking wicked!
- Did you feel my abs there'? [Giggles] - Yeah...
Uh, you ladies need some drinks?
- [Female partygoer] Yes, please. - Okay.
Oh, no. They'll get 'em.
- Oh, yeah... - So you're impressing me, little man.
- Growing up... - Hey, thanks, thanks.
Uh, hey, are you gonna put in a good word for me with gates now for...
Oh, yeah, sure.
You know, what? The alum judge should be here any minute.
Okay, so what do I say? Do I have a speech prepared?
'Cause I mean, I have one-
chest bump! [Groans]
[Bretts laughing]
So are you like a brew?
Um, well, yeah, kinda...
His names Shaquille.
OMG!
Are you like, related to Shaquille O'Neal?
Uh, yeah...
I'm not wearing any panties.
[Giggling]
Look at my little friend here.
Coming over to the hetero side I see.
So is this your party?
It's ah... It's my party.
I party party. I fight for my right.
So um...
How come I haven't seen you around campus?
It's kinda complicated.
He's still in high school.
Well, if you're throwing parties like this already,
you are going to be a maniac in college.
[Music plays]
[Crowd cheers]
So are you gonna show me around, or what?
- Um, yeah, sure. - Okay.
Hey, I hate to break up this touching moment,
but where do we set up'?
Dane, Dane.
Out by the pool, man. Out in the back.
- Outside'? - Yeah. That's awesome.
- Awesome. - Great Dane.
Come on.
I'll hang out with you, just give me one sec.
I promise, I'll be right there.
You...
Hey, sideshow.
- Yep. - Come here.
Hey. Um.
Could you help the band set up in the back?
- Yeah. - Also...
Keep the lead singer away from drugs and alcohol.
No drugs?
No alcohol.
Seriously. - Gotcha.
So what's up, man'?
[Snorts]
- Hey! - Hey.
What? Mommy and daddy are outta town for the weekend?
- That's good. - What do you mean exposed himself to the maid?
Okay, here's the thing. This is shit, all right?
I'm just saying, it's way beneath my number one act.
It's a house party. What'd you expect?
Was he hard or was he flaccid?
Yes it makes a big difference.
Hard shows intent. Flaccid is clearly an accident.
All right. Here's the scoop.
Um, the lead singer, just got out of rehab,
he's got a little bit of a alcohol problem.
So no booze. Uh, you following me?
Yeah, no alcohol. Got it.
Isn't that what "do not disturb" means?
And drugs. A bit of a problem too.
Powders, pills,
anything he can get his hands on, he'll do it.
So keep the medicine cabinets cleared.
Okay, no- no drugs. Got it.
Oh, and girls.
Bit of a sexual addiction as well.
No sex, drugs or alcohol?
And don't mention it to him,
he's a bit sensitive about it also.
Mum's the word. Cool?
- Mum's cool. - Okay, I gotta get out-fa here.
I got the banana shits opening for huffing paint
tonight at the wagon wheel.
And those fuckers are always trying to skim the door.
What'? Can they prove it was semen?
Yes, semen is Latin for sperm.
That's a fact!
Oh, hey. Thank you so much for showing up.
Where do we set up, huh?
Uh...
[Groans] Right there.
Yep. Oh, shit. Look who it is.
Boys, it's the party master himself, huh'?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you're really starting to impress us.
True that. I haven't wanted to punch you all night
why would you wanna punch me?
[Scoffs] I don't know.
Something about you face,
I just wanna fucking punch it.
Now no need to dwell on the past.
The important thing is
he doesn't wanna punch you anymore.
Now, hold on, hold on, hold on...
At this moment I don't wanna punch ya.
Who knows what the future may hold.
See'? Now that's what I'm talking about.
Progress, huh? You're starting to become one of us.
Bretts, I really... I appreciate it.
- We like you. In a hetero way. - Kinda...
I'm almost starting to feel bad here,
I always kinda pegged you as a "gay."
You're not the only one.
Oh... I'm not... I'm not gay.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
♪ we get the bitches to drop those... ♪
[Bretts in unison] ♪ britches. ♪
[high-pitched vocalization]
Yeah.
That's how we do.
It's Van Horn. Trying to get some play.
Holy shit, what's he doing there?
Is that the pikachu dance or...
I thought you guys liked Van Horn?
He's a freak.
But he's a funny little shit though, watch this.
Hey, Van Horn! Get your little ass over here, buddy.
Come on, come on, come on...
Woo!
You know, we were just admiring your moves from afar.
- God. Yeah. - Really?
Yeah. Why don't you show us what you got?
- Huh'? - Okay.
[Brett] Go Van Horn, go Van Horn, go!
[Bretts yelling]
[Laughing]
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Oh, shut up carpet muncher.
Go back to your coven.
Fuck you, douche toaster.
Whatever, come on, boys.
[Groans]
[Music plays]
Uh... [Stutters] Chelsea!
[Girl giggles]
Dude, what happened?
You don't wanna know.
Well, there's a little issue with the band.
The spice was flow, the spice was flow.
What is this?
Nothing, we just smoked a little weed.
What part of no drugs don't you understand?
It's weed, it's not a drug.
- This... - The spice was flow...
This is more than just weed.
- The spice was flow... - Rover said it was pretty strong.
Did he go to the bathroom?
- Yeah. - Alone?
Well, I wasn't gonna watch the dude piss.
Ah, that's great because now he's not gonna be able
to perform tonight.
Dude, just let him calm down a little bit.
He'll be fine.
- You really screwed me on this. - What did I do?
This! You had to get him high, didn't you?
He used his rock star charm on me.
I couldn't say no to the guy.
In fact, now I understand how all those women get tricked.
Well, that's fantastic.
That's really fantastic. Because now we have no band.
Brei I 's gonna freak. Probably not gonna introduce me to gates.
What so if you don't get into some prissy college, it's my fault?
You know, fuck Brei I and all his clone ass friends anyway.
No no no no no. Bretts going places.
He's got his eyes on the future, all right?
He's gonna be successful.
What do you have your eyes on, huh?
What? Your next big bong purchase?
What about us going into business together, huh?
That's looking towards the future.
What future? What business? All right?
You just have a bunch of stupid ideas you cram together
and you can't commit to one.
- That's not exactly a plan. - But it's just a matter of time.
Maybe if you put a little more energy into some of this.
Instead of kissing ass to all these douche nozzles.
Then we could've come up with something by now.
I see what this is. You're just jealous. You're jealous, all right?
'Cause you don't want me to succeed with those people
because you don't wanna wake up one day
and just find out you're a loser.
You know, what? Good luck with your new friends.
- 'Cause I'm done helping you. - That's fine!
'Cause you help is just an anchor
dragging me down to retard central.
Hey, where the fuck is the band?
Uh, you know musicians...
Never on time.
I'm on it.
Okay, so there's this chick
in this like little angel outfit,
and she's totally hot.
Yeah, no. I totally saw her. She is hot.
[Music playing]
What do I do'?
I don't know, just talk to her.
"Just talk to her." Like I can't...
I can't just talk to her.
I mean, why would you even wanna talk to me?
You shouldn't even know me.
Well, because you're hot. And you're cool.
Yeah, I would like you Bridget if I was... her.
Yeah, hey, girls. How's it going?
Hey, Judas.
Oh, if you're wondering if we'd seen your soul lying around somewhere.
The answer ls nope. [Giggles]
Wow. Okay. I don't know where that's coming from but okay.
Fuck, really? Like really? Seriously?
I mean, like you lost your brain and your soul all in the same day.
It's rather unfortunate, brah.
Okay, Bridget. I will be taking this from you.
Chels, um...
I...
you want me to...
Play music tonight.
My band?
That I offered to you?
Aw, Chels, fuck the details.
This is our chance to play.
For actual people.
For them.
I'll do this for them.
Not for you.
We're gonna play music! For actual people!
Wait... we're gonna play music for actual people?
[Laughs]
[Music plays]
Are you nervous?
No.
[Chuckles] Yeah. I'm terrified. Aren't you?
Text me back, stupid.
Easy there, Tara Reid.
Well, he texted me, and then I texted him back.
- And now he's like completely not even responding" - okay, Alexa.
You need to stop freaking out, okay?
We're about to play some music.
What if we suck?
We're not going to. We've been telling everybody
how we're not just an air band for like ever.
Don't you wanna prove them wrong?
- Yeah, let's go out there and kick some ass. - Good attitude.
Hayden?
Cheater!
Oh, okay. In all fairness. You two weren't dating for real.
Mean!
It's your problem.
Hey, where're they going?
What do you want?
I just wanna say thank you.
Thank you.
Seriously, no ulterior motives.
- I just... - You're kidding me.
- I'm serious, Chelsea. - No fucking way.
[Partygoers cheering] - [Chelsea] It's Rebecca.
Rebecca's here. And she's drinking... Whiskey.
Oh, whoa whoa whoa, no no no.
We're having a good night. It's a party night.
You don't know whiskey Rebecca.
She's evil.
[Knocking on noon]
[Panting]
Hold on.
Restroomo El Occupado.
Wait a second, I know you.
You're Chelsea's sexy older sister, aren't you?
You're not one of her lame friends, right?
Who me? Fuck no!
I'm not one of those freaks.
I'm a motherfucking Brett.
Good.
So are you drunk?
[Slurs] I'm not drunk.
That's too bad.
I'm a fan of the drunk girl.
[Giggles]
[Slurs] I used to be a drunk girl.
You'll be my drunk girl?
- Yeah, I like to drink. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you wanna party?
Yep, you wanna party with me?
- Yeah'? - Yeah.
Party with me right now.
- Let's party right now. - Now.
Now. Yeah, let's party now.
- You wanna do it, now? - Let's do it now.
- Let's do it. - Let's party.
- I'm gonna do it now. - Let's do it now.
- Let's do it. - Let's party.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
Well, light this motherfucker up then, biatch!
- Hey, Shaq. - Hey...
Where's the band'? Better not fuck this up.
Gates will be here any minute.
Oh. Don't even sweat it, Brei l.
- I got it, playa! - Yeah, you better.
Um, I've got it all under control.
No offense, but this shit tastes like ass.
Yeah, that's the only thing I hate about dust.
It tastes like ass.
Dust, like, angel dust?
Yeah, you know, like peace pill, love boat,
crystal flakes, embalming fluid, rocket fuel,
whatever you wanna call it, man.
That's all wrapped up in that joint.
It better,
or I'm gonna kick that drummer that sold it to me's ass.
What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?
What kind of person doesn't tell another person
they're smoking angel dust.
Dude, you're kinda being a dick right now.
I can't feel my lips.
Hey, don't we have chem. Class together?
Hi. [Giggles] Mister oh...
Me likey, miss slutty German barmaid.
Hey, hands off, encino man.
Don't you have something to protest?
Oh, are you off the roids.
You're looking kinda petite.
[Gasps] I'm gonna fucking die.
I'm gonna die.
My mama will freak out and I'm gonna die.
[Voice pitched up] I seen what this shit does to people on TV.
Okay? First you all run around naked.
Run around naked chasing cops, fighting cops, beating cops up,
trying to fly, jumping off of buildings, trying to fly.
Jumping off buildings, I'm gonna wake up in a zoo, naked covered in blood.
I can't feel my lips.
I can't feel my lips. I can't feel my face. My head.
Mellow out!
- My hearts... - Meow!
My heart's beating so fast.
You're gonna die!
[Hisses]
What? Wow.
[High pitched squeals]
What the fuck is this shit?
Chelsea!
Hey, sista!
- What'? - I got a costume.
It's a cat.
Do you want a drink?
Whiskey'? Seriously?
Mmm.
- You took my ID. - You're drunk.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
I know why you're saying that.
- It's because you can kinda hear me slurring. - Yeah.
I can kind hear it a little bit too.
But I'm not drunk.
If you embarrass me tonight,
I swear...
Shaquille!
Whiskey Rebecca.
Whiskey Rebecca, Shaquille.
I gotta go, kid. Bye.
Rebecca!
- Damn it. - Hey, don't worry about it.
Look, I'll look after her,
you just really need to help with the band.
Um...
I'm gonna go do that.
Yeah, I gotta...
Do... the band stuff
- I'll see you later, okay? - Yeah.
- [Both giggling] - Sit, sit.
Okay, are you okay'?
Yeah...
Okay, I'm gonna go pee so you stay right here.
- Okay? - ' Kay.
[Chuckles] Okay, don't move.
[Music plays]
- Excuse me, miss. - Yeah?
Do you know where I might find Mr. Shaquille Horowitz?
No...
But do you wanna make out?
[Giggles]
Maybe later. But thank you for your time.
Mm-hmm.
[Music plays]
Hey, there.
Why so sad, huh?
[Sighs] I cannot believe he cheated on me.
Ooh, wow.
Really?
You're way too mature for some high school jackass bringing you down.
I know! I started babysitting when I was like 12.
Wow. Really? Here, take this.
This'll make you feel better, huh?
Okay.
Yeah, cheers.
Yeah, you know...
[Giggles]
You're, um...
You're all woman.
[Music plays]
- So sophisticated. - [Giggles]
God, you got yourself some ample tits there, don't you, huh?
[Giggles]
[Slurs] You think I'm sophisticated?
Yeah, oh, totally.
You know, you're so hot like...
Like stripper hot.
[Giggles]
Yeah.
Do you wanna be my boyfriend?
Yeah. I'd love to be your boyfriend.
- Yeah'? - Oh, yeah.
At least the next three to five minutes, anyway.
Yes. Bridget. Hah.
Can I help you'?
Um, yeah, actually.
Have you seen... well, I don't wanna interrupt.
I'm really sorry. This was really awesome.
Have you seen Chelsea?
Um... no.
Okay, I'll go find her.
But uh, very nice.
[Music plays]
Uh, excuse me?
- Chin chin. - Oh. Hey.
Hey. You're drinking.
Uh... is- where is your parent guardian?
Oh. Freudian slip?
Clever.
- You think so? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, 'cause I thought I was kinda obvious.
With- and people have been...
Where is Van Horn?
Aren't you in like the seventh grade?
- Eighth. - Eighth...
Oh, okay.
Okay. Eighth grade.
Here. I'll take that away.
[Squeals] Meow!
Oh, my god.
[Whispers] It's Rebecca.
Whatever. [Scoffs]
Uh, Rebecca... Oh...
Seriously, no drinking.
Chill, man. Just go take care of your shit.
I'm good.
- [Giggles] - You wanna take this somewhere else?
[Moans] What?
I'm your boyfriend now.
You announced this to me.
- What? - You don' think it's a good idea?
Come on.
- [Knocks] - What? Why?
We're in, babe. Come on, let's go in here.
[Giggles]
[Music plays]
Ahem. Hey, Brett.
Oh, hey, buddy. Gates should be here any minute.
I can't wait to give you that recommendation.
Yeah, Brett.
She's...
Just close the door and walk away.
Be cool.
- Hey. - What's the problem, Shaquille?
There's enough ass to go around.
Go find your own, okay?
Brett, she's pretty drunk.
Yeah? What's your point?
Oh, I just don't think it's a good idea.
- You know, so... - Don't be a pussy, man.
Girls get drunk
so they can use it as an excuse the next day.
It's how it works.
I just don't agree. Alexa's my friend.
And so...
You really are a little pussy, aren't you, huh?
- Why don't you just be cool'? - How 'bout this, man?
How about I kick your ass and then I do your friend, how's that sound?
No, no, lay back.
[Groans]
Oh, you're gonna regret that.
[Music plays]
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, this isn't good. Okay.
I should've known you were just Southside trash, man.
You'll always be a loser. Just like your daddy.
Oh, yeah? Tiger claw!
Get the hell outta here.
Hey, leave him alone, asshole.
Oh, really. What's this guy gonna do, huh?
Testicles, throat, eyes.
Oh, sh it.
[Music plays]
Get him, Brei l.
[Overlapping yelling]
I'm looking for a Shaquille Horowitz.
Shaquille!
What's the deal, Horowitz? Huh'?
He was trying to take advantage of Alexa?
[Scoffs] Nice try.
He was the one that was all over her. It was him.
No. No. No.
Lucky I got there when I did.
It's a lie. And you know it.
To think I tried to help you.
I guess it's true what they say,
"take the boy outta the trailer park
but you can't take the trailer park out-fa the boy."
Actually, no. No one actually says that.
But seriously, everyone has to believe me.
It was him.
Why would I get with some drunk trailer skank? Huh?
I can get any girl I want. Just think about it.
These losers can't get laid any other way.
I mean, look at him. He even looks like a sexual deviant.
[Partygoer] Freak!
[Spanish music plays]
You used my whore.
Now I expect to be my money paid.
Fuck you, Santos! I don't work for you anymore, okay?
Oh, you don't? Huh? You don't?
Who do you work for then, huh?
You work for him?
I can work for whoever the hell I want to, asshole.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Okay. Let me show you this.
Huh.
Cojones.
You transfer to sexual, freaky dressed man.
[Partygoer] He's a freak!
Whoa! Okay. Lets just bring it down.
This is priceless, huh, guys?
What the fuck, mate?
Hey, look. I don't know what kind of fucked up dope
you're selling here.
But all I know is, my lead singer just wants
to stare at the motherfucking ceiling
thinking about motherfucking nothing!
Motherfucker!
Hey, calm down. All right. We can talk about this.
Oh, shit!
Dr. gates. I'm Shaquille Horowitz.
Look, uh. I can explain everything.
Oh, I'm sure you can, son.
But I think maybe you have a few things to sort out.
We can revisit this opportunity next year.
No, no, no. I wanna revisit that now.
I need the recommendation now.
[Partygoer] Fuck you!
I think I've seen enough for one night, don't you?
Sir, if you just let me explain,
I...
[partygoers laughing]
I threw this party for you.
It's gone terribly wrong.
But um... Look, I come from nothing.
And I will stop at nothing to get your recommendation.
Just please give me a chance.
[Partygoer] Give it to someone who gives a shit, freak.
Mr. gates. I'm sorry you had to witness all this.
I had no idea he was such a sexual creep.
[Partygoer] He's a gay Henry.
You're some kind of freaky kind of sex dress man.
Huh?
Don't worry about it. Brei is, let's get him.
[Yelling]
Wait! Wait!
No, he didn't do anything.
He... he's- he is the asshole.
He is the one.
Yeah, right.
In your dreams, you Southside slut.
I mean, really, this girl? Like, are you kidding me guys?
I think it's time you boys made your exit.
Oh, really? What the fuck are you gonna do'?
Me'?
[Laughs]
I'm not gonna do shit.
'Cause I'm a lover, not a fighter.
But him?
Now he's a fighter.
[Groans]
[Crowd gasps]
Come on!
Creepy eyes.
Get in there and enjoy your party, okay?
Southsider forever.
[Slaps]
I gotta find me a woman.
[Crowd applauding]
Um, how about that drink?
Shaquille, you don't have to be like those assholes to be successful.
I thought that's what you wanted though,
I thought that they were your friend.
You have real friends.
Those guys? They'll never be anyone's friends.
Then why scholarship with them?
Why do you think?
The parties, man!
And the never-ending supply of hot college pussy!
And Brett, he is a pimp.
[Giggles]
Now you didn't buy into that whole motivational thing did you?
No.
And you, you know how to make it happen.
Mm-hmm. [Giggles]
Mmm. Yeah...
You got the scholarship, don't worry.
Aren't you gonna show me around?
Well Shaquille, um...
Looks like I'll be seeing you around real soon.
We will-we will'?
Wow.
[Music plays]
Hey there, maybe had enough?
What?
Hey, come on. You're biting the cap off.
I had one drink. Are you kidding me?
- Really? Really? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Oh... you are... yeah... - [Sings] One drink, one drink.
[Electrical crackling]
♪ photobucket, Facebook asshole ♪
♪ in your SUV ♪
♪ yeah, you suck ♪
♪ skinny jeans and bed head haircut ♪
♪ you're not a chick so don't wear makeup ♪
♪ yeah, you suck ♪
[Partygoer] You suck balls!
♪ Your faux-hawk hairdo, big blonde girlfriend ♪
♪ your both douche bags so use protection ♪
♪ 'cause your babies are gonna suck ♪
♪ don't have babies ♪
♪ you suck ♪
♪ you're too stupid to be ironic ♪
♪ so don't try to impress me ♪
♪ you suck you suck ♪
♪ everything about you sucks ♪
♪ you suck ♪
[{Scattered applause] {Crowd member] Fuck you!
[Audience member] You guys are fucking horrible!
[Single applause]
The worst fucking band ever!
[Slow, single applause]
Dude, are you all right?
Of course I'm all right.
Why the fuck wouldn't be all right?
My nose hurts.
- Stop whining. - It hurts.
Hey, your eye looks pre y messed up.
Who the fuck are you'? Why are you talking to me?
Your eye looks pre y bad.
Hey, is that whiskey? Can I have some?
Yeah, knock yourself out.
[Loud sirens wail]
[Indistinct]
[Laughing] Daddy?
Who the fuck is all this?
Whiskey? Did you just give her whiskey?
Yeah, no, it's not what it's-
what the hell happened to your eye?
It's a long story. Man.
He tried to take advantage of a drunk girl at the party.
- What? - It's not what it. Hey man...
Calm down, it's not what it seems like.
- Okay'? - [Giggles]
You thought you could take advantage of my daughter,
is that what you thought?
No, it's what... No. No!
[Mumbling] She showed up.
- Is that what you thought? - [Taser buzzes]
[{Screaming in pain] {Taser zapping]
So, what'd you think?
Chels, it was really... It was really great.
You're really awesome.
- It was horrible. - It was horrible.
[Chuckles]
You look really nice though.
Some might even say, "hot."
Who are you?
Look, I'm-I'm sorry I'm sorry, that I've been acting like such a jerk.
Um...
What happened between us really did mean something.
Then why are you being such a dick?
I don't know, I just... I wanted so badly to get out of this town.
I just didn't think that this could ever...
- Work. - [Scoffs]
Hello, don't you think
I want to git out of here, too?
And besides, no one ever really knows how anything is gonna work.
So... I think I'm over the whole band thing.
Really?
Yeah.
I thought it was your life.
I'm 17, dude. I don't know what my life is.
You know what, Chels?
Life is a highway,
and you just gotta ride it all night long.
Sometimes, "teen wolf" style,
you get up there, you do a handstand,
the cure is blaring out of the windows, it's a good time.
You know, when you hit a bump on that road,
and hopefully you don't fall off the side,
and people are watching, and it's embarrassing-
shut the fuck up.
[Cheers]
Party!
[Music playing]
Whoo!
So... was that good for you?
Nah, I've had better.
[Music playing]
Well, it's been a long day, I mean...
[Music playing]